The Dating Game

movie-dateFor those of us who have been in a casino, we all have seen the roulette table. A round table with numbers spun around with a little white ball determining the fate of many people every day. Now, what if I told you that this game was rigged against the gambler in the favour of the house? What if the game was so designed actuarially that is pans out to your detriment? Some may disagree, but the reality is, sure, you may beat the house once or twice, or have a positive balance for years on end, but if you play the game long enough, nobody but the house wins.

The dating game works exactly the same. See, it has been so designed to be in favour of the house and the currency is hearts. Who is the house? As with a casino, which has very smart, cunning intellectuals crunching the numbers on these complex scenarios, so in the game of life is a Deceiver, walking around with sinister intent like a roaring lion. What he has done, is create a game in which only he wins.

Peter (the creed of the sociopathic obsessive compulsive) has two laws I believe addresses this problem. (Random right? It’s a printed paper on my wall, haha) he says:  “if you can’t win, change the rules. If you can’t change the rules, ignore them.”

So what I propose today is an alternative. A different framework for dating that is not in favour of the house. Am I saying it’s perfect, not at all… but the odds are in your favour, provided you dodge the devil in the details (pardon the pun :P)

Dating in itself is fundamentally flawed. It always initiates relationships on the physical level. It’s always about chemistry. This sounds great, but what we fail to realise, is this is a poor base for a relationship since it condenses love to a feeling, where it is, in fact, a choice. Secondly, it discounts the role the spirit plays in a relationship since it believes relationships are restricted the physical and the psychological. This is why the dating game is always about the psyche. How long should I wait till I call to get the response I want? What should I wear? What should I say?

This brings with it a secondary consequence. What happens when the fall-out comes? Yes, everybody has them and they always cause doubt and uncertainty. Our natural human response is to blame shift. Our excuses range from ‘I jumped into this in ignorance’ or ‘I no longer feel the same’ or ‘we just aren’t meant to be’… makes for an easy exit. The game is stacked against us because it has been specifically designed that way.

What if there is an alternative; a better way to approach relationships that last? I believe there is. It’s always been around but has been misinterpreted as old-fashioned or even absurd. I did some amateur research on the matter and came across the Jewish model for relationships. The father goes out to find a wife for his son. Once done, they meet one another once; go their separate ways to prepare their specific things during the course of the next year. Get married thereafter, and seldom if ever divorce.

I know some of you are getting ready to maul me right now, how dare I bring arranged marriages into this? It’s a form of slavery! Well, in most cultures this may be the case. The Jewish culture did this within a specific context though. The fathers knew their sons so well, that they knew exactly who would be best suited to their sons. These daughters were not chosen for political or monetary reasons.

Evidently, in a western society, we can safely say that our fathers do not have the capacity to make the appropriate choices for us. See, they don’t have to. “It is by the spirit of adoption that you call ABBA Father”. God is now my father. So what I propose is this…to live in intimate relationship with our Father. He knows your heart, and your deepest desires, but He also made you and knows exactly what you need, which is oftentimes not the same as what we want. If He then sends someone your way, it means He knows them the same way.

He can see much farther than we can and knows that on a spiritual dimension, you are a perfect match. The effect of this is far reaching. In the first place, the base for the relationship becomes a spiritual connection, which will necessarily be followed by a more intense physical connection than you have ever experienced exactly because it addresses all three areas of your existence and not only two like the dating model. Secondly, the love in this relationship will be real love, as it will not be based on a feeling, but on a choice. God will never force you into a relationship. He will show you which one suits you real good. This needs to be backed up by choices from both parties to accept and commit to it or wait for something else. Thirdly, the fallout changes. Yes, this still happens, but instead of shifting the blame and finding an easy way out, this model as no loopholes. You know this person was meant for you, you have no doubt in your mind, so if you choose to bail when the going gets tough, it will be because you are too weak to stick to your own commitments and not because of some unfathomable external circumstance. That reality in itself tends to make people fight harder for their relationships.

This model starts relationships out on a better foundation, ensuring that it is not shallow and superficial, but grounded in spiritual substance first and foremost. It is this quality that determines the quality of every other aspect in a relationship. It is also more likely to be founded on real love, and not some emotional connection that came to pass by some smart ass psychological manipulation by two people that were not being themselves, in order to land a catch that they cannot keep…

But hay, I’m single, so take it from whence it comes… 😉

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